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In the Mirror Sunday November 4, 2007

Posted by gingerbreadman in Rambles.
15 comments
First:  Little Miss Ladybug was a gigantic hit Halloween night.  She bounded out of the house ready to fly door-to-door and collect the most candy ever award, and I think she may have done it.  The kid even made up a little song and dance routine she performed on the stairs leading up to doorways, which positively charmed candy-givers into pouring sweets into her pink pumpkin.  She’d get onto the first stair and sing-song "Halloween!" hop to the second, chant "Halloween" again and leap to the porch and shout with glee "Trick-or-Treat!" with this shiny grin all over her little ladybugged face.  If there were no stairs, she marched up to the porch and jumped onto the porch to the "Trick-orTreat" part.  She made this up all on her own.  She also said Trick-or-Treat, Thank You, I’m a Ladybug Girl AND Thank you to everyone!!!
We did this for five and a half blocks.  Walking every bloomin’ one of them.  Who drives around?  I don’t get that at all…no wonder America’s kids have a weight problem…first we let them go out begging for candy, and then we DRIVE them to do it.  Not me.  She had to walk every step of the way for her 9 lbs of goodies, dadburnit.  Thank goodness she finally got tired, I was working up a tremendous need for my white tea with citrus by the fifth block, and she finally started only mumbling "Trick or treat" and whispering a "Thank you" the last half block, so we headed home.  She wanted to stay up and eat candy all night, of course and that was an ugly fight, but the funny thing is, I put her pumpkin up on the fridge, and she hasn’t asked for one piece of candy since then.  Woo hoo!
 
I discovered a band I love tonight, Lifehouse…Emily informs me they’ve been around forever, of course.  I fell in love with a song I heard them do on the soundtrack to The Wild, watching another movie with Laura.  Most of their songs either seem to be Christian or love songs, but the ones I picked for my list are for me, to me, really.  Does that sound odd?
 
I’ve been working on letting go of the me I’ve spent so much time mourning and wishing I could be still, because I’ve spent years holding onto her…pre-aneurysm Lynn.  Stupid, really.  As my brilliant Twin and my therapist have pointed out to me, I wouldn’t be that Lynn now anyway: four years does a lot to a person, and having Laura did change my life quite a bit.  Turning forty a few years ago might have something to do with how I’ve changed.  I can’t blame it all on brain damage.  It doesn’t MATTER, does it? 
 
So I look in the mirror, trying to figure out this Lynn and accept her, Love Her.  Stop seeing who I was and clinging to that image and start smiling at the woman in the mirror.  What drives me really crazy (ha ha ha) is that I know I’m a good person now, me, this Lynn.  It’s pretty cool to have survived 21 years of motherhood already, and still have twin 14 year olds, a twelve year old and a nearly 4 year old to raise AND have a sense of humor intact.  I’m smart.  I’m kind.  I’m crazy as all get-out and yet I’m functioning, and after spending 24 hours in a crisis center, I fully appreciate the difference.  I’ve got all these wonderful Spaces friends who care for and about me, who I love.
 
So I’m watching The Wild tonight with Laura, about a lion who lies about his true nature to his friends and his son, and the son, who is disappointed because he can’t live up to his father’s greatness, and this song comes on…."Good Enough"….and I hear it, and I start crying.  It’s about me, how I feel about me.  Gosh, I like this group.
 
Part of the lyrics:      
 
We’re running out of time
What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And its all that I can be

I tried to find myself
Looking inside your eyes
You were all that I was meant to be
There must be something else