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Never ending? Wednesday October 21, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
I am beginning to wonder if this up-front pain of the abuse our family has taken from my parents is ever going to end.  Emily is having such a terrible time with it now:  she’s dealing with it in therapy and it’s bringing it out to the surface and all the hurt and anguish she’s been stuffing for the past year and a half is pouring out of her-wave after wave.  It’s just fresh screaming torture for me, seeing and feeling her so hurt, knowing there’s only so much I can do beyond telling her over and over again how much I love her, how none of this is her fault.  Not what he did, not how her Nana has rejected us all to keep her status secure, the new rejection of my brother under the excuse that we’ve upset his mother so much.  Dear Lord.  How do you explain to a girl why anyone would worry about an old woman’s feelings who is protecting a pervert and never stops to ask how the survivor of the abuse is doing?  She feels SO unloved by that family.  All I can do is share that with her, because of course, all of us do here.  We’re all abandoned.  We’ve all been told we’re not the side to pick.  But she was the one who was hurt, and I just want to go and mow them all down and burn their bodies when I think of her crying over their rejection of her.

All I can do is cry with her, cry alone, and promise her her Momma would never, will never stop loving her for anyone, any thing, any reason.  And hope that those people haven’t destroyed her trust and faith so deeply that she believes me.


Heh, heh, heh Friday October 16, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Yep, I's Nuts.
I decided I didn’t even want to talk about my birthday.  Suffice it to say, that between it being the first year without an acknowledgement from my parents or brothers that I am alive and Jess and Becca both having to work that day (though Becca did come in later that night once she got away), and Mike being a jerk just cuz he is sometimes – it was bad.  End of story.

I am now hopelessly hooked on Mafia Wars on FaceBook.  I can’t even remember why I signed up for FB, I think it was to chase Holy down and look for a few people, but then Gina got me sucked in to MW and now I’m addicted.  Anyone want to add me if they’re on FB already and want to play?  LOL  Oh, I found Tarhead Mugwump there too!  So nice to see him again!

At least it’s pulling me out of this hideous depression I’ve been in for so, so long.

Big Scare and Life Lesson Sunday October 11, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Rambles.
Got an e-mail last Monday from my cousin’s husband, the preacher, saying his mom had been missing for a while now and that it was urgent she was found as her daughter-in-law and grandchild were in a serious auto accident and she (the Mom) was wanted at the hospital for emotional support.  The idea of W. being missing for any length of time was startling enough, she has a big family, lives next door to her brother, and all of her sons live in-state with her in TN or, like Ron, right across the border in KY.  So I was a little concerned.

Ten minutes later, Ron’s daughter sends out another e-mail.  Grandma has been missing for over 24 hours, actually.  She was supposed to come up to KY to a church up in my neck of the woods to attend morning services and never showed up.  No one had seen or heard from her since then and her cell phone calls were going directly to voice mail.  The drive off the interstate to the church is a particularly nasty piece of road, so Mike and I decided to set out and go looking for her car since he knows 90 pretty well and he could tell I was losing it just sitting around doing nothing.  So, we got the particulars of W’s car, let Ron’s family know what we were doing and set off. 

It was about an hour’s drive just to get to the town we were headed for to look for the car and the path W. would have taken.  Plenty of time for me to tell Mike all about what a genuinely warm, sweet, loving person W. is.  I first met her when Ron and Rhonda started courting back when I was just 16 or so, and his family was big- loud, rowdy-5 boys, all looking like they could play professional football as tackles-and all Gospel Music singers who were famous all over the South.  W. made sure to talk to everyone in our family, make us all feel important and special, even though she was the visitor to our hometown.

Later, after Ron and Rhonda got married, I’d often go with them on their ‘singing trips’ when I started dating one of the guys in the group.  W.  remembered me, though it’d been years since the first time we’d met, and she again went out of her way to make me feel welcome, comfortable.  Just a sweet, sweet, woman.  Even after Brian and I broke up and I went on to marry and have kids and would run into W. and her husband and family at holidays over at Ron n’ Rhonda’s, we always took time to catch up on each other’s lives, and W. spread her love down to all my girls, bringing them little gifts when she knew she’d be running in to us all.

Driving down that twisting road with all it’s drop-offs and sharp curves, all I could think of is what kind of outcome is really possible for a woman in her mid-60’s who has been missing over 24 hours and can’t be reached?  All the hospitals had already been called and she wasn’t in them.  The State Police had an A.P.B. on her car, and even after driving the route she would have taken, even getting on the interstate and following it for 13 miles, there was no sign of her car anywhere.  We went back to 90 and stopped at every little service station and restaurant asking if anyone had seen her, seen her car.  Nothing.

I was heartsick.  Worried.  In tears thinking of what her sons must be thinking, especially her youngest son Tim who not only didn’t know where his Momma was, but had a wife in the hospital and a daughter who might lose an eye and had a broken nose and foot that needed surgery. 

We came back home because Emily had a doctor’s appt.  The State Police sent word they’d tracked her phone to Florence, KY.  A long, long way from the little church she never made it to on Sunday.  My fear just mounted and my confusion about all of this went through the roof.

Then the e-mail came, finally late that afternoon–"Mom’s been found.  She’s fine."
So I called Ron’s daughter and asked her what had happened, where had she been, what was going on??!
She wouldn’t say, only that Ron would e-mail everyone later and explain, that it was "embarrassing" and they had to figure out how to deal with it first.

Well, me and my dirty mind, I immediately thought W., after 3 years of widowhood had found a boyfriend and didn’t want the boys to know.  But why drive practically two states away for *that*?  Florence, KY is practically on the Ohio border.

Turns out W. has a gambling addiction.  Florence has race tracks and a casino of some kind.  Bless her heart.

I cannot imagine the mortification Ron must be feeling, knowing his Momma he reveres lied about going to church in another state only to head up this way to gamble.  Or how W. feels, knowing she was gambling while her granddaughter and son needed her, that the police had an A.P.B. on her.

How often do we set off to do something, never thinking for a moment that at any time, someone could need us *that minute* and if we simply turned off our cell phones we couldn’t be found if we didn’t want to be?   Even if it’s not something shameful or forbidden or deceitful?  Just hours we’ve decided to go away and take time for us?  I don’t know how I’d ever live with myself if I went off on one of my little excursions I’m always threatening to take and something were to happen and one of the girls needed me.

I feel so badly for W.  I don’t know if she has a gambling addiction or if she just likes playing the slots.  I know she scared the hell out of a lot of people who love her.  I know she lied to people she loved.   I know she would never willingly put anything above being there for her kids and grandkids. 

I know it’s put me off watching those darn Forensic Files shows Mike had me watching with him for so long too.  I had such awful pictures in my head the entire ride up and down highway 90.  But for once we were wrong.  A 60-ish year old woman can vanish for 24 hours and her car be nowhere to be found along the route she was supposed to take and it still turns out okay.  The sweet woman is still here with us.

I’ll write about the birthday from hell in a few days.  LOL

Wow Thursday October 1, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Ain't THAT a whoopin'?!.
I was looking for a quote I used often a long time ago and have since forgotten the end to, and decided maybe I’d find it in my blog archives.  Of course, I didn’t.  Too much to slog through, I was hoping maybe it was in one of the titles, but no.  What made me say "Wow" was how much I’ve written in all these years, and how many readers I’ve lost in the past year and a half.  Some have left blog land, some have just left me.  That, of course, is my fault:  not only was I absent for quite a while and then only sporadic, but I was quite depressing when I did manage to get online and write.  So thank you to the faithful few who’ve stuck around to come see how me and mine are doing.  I love you too.  =)

Laura hosted her first sleep-over this past week-end.  Skyler, Krysta and Heidi came over to play, all friends from her Head Start experience last year.  Krysta is also in her kindergarten class this year now and Sky lives close to us even if they don’t play together very often.  Heidi is still in HS, she’s just turned 5 last month.  Heidi is the sweetest little darlin’ ever, all kitty cats and pink ribbons and soft baby dolls.  Sky and Krysta are more "Let’s play DIE, DIE, DIE!" and "You can’t be on the top bunk because you’re wearing short pajamas and we’re wearing long pants jammies" types.  Weird as it is, normally agressive Laura is strangely quiet and cooperative with everyone when she’s with her peers, she’ll go along with whatever is going on as long as it isn’t a competitive game.  Needless to say, there were a number of times I had to pet Heidi while she cried, explain to Sky and Krysta that we don’t play bloodthirsty games at my house, break up little fights every 4 minutes…
And of course it rained all day.  You know it did.
Heidi didn’t get to spend the night, her grandma hasn’t cut the umbilical cord that much yet, even though Mom was willing and Heidi begged.  But at least she didn’t get tortured in the Barbie bloodfest that went on later at 10:30 pm when Krysta wanted to reenact a scene from Saw 3 after I was dumb enough to leave them alone for 10 minutes.  Laura alerted me to *that* one. 

I remember Jess and Becca’s sleepovers at that age when all I had to worry about was if any of the girls were going to say any naughty words one of the other kids hadn’t heard before.  And the twins sleepovers, keeping alert that one of the kids might know something "dirty" and spread the knowledge to their little friends.  Now I’ve got all that AND a six year old looking for my butter knives so she can pretend to hack up La’s Barbies?  Wow.

Laura finally gave in to her gentler nature and crawled into my bed and curled up next to me.  She said she didn’t like sleepovers any more.  I was so sad for her.  She’d looked forward to this treat for weeks, been so excited to have these girls over and play.  Only they didn’t want to play ponies and dress-up, watch Barbie movies and act them out with her, didn’t want to color or play with the paints and the butcher paper.  They wanted mayhem and scary stuff.  And what saddened me the most is that Laura, instead of sticking to her *self* came around and sided with the majority and went along for the most part.  She even told me after Heidi left that she (Heidi) was a baby.  After 3 hours of playing happily with H doing all the stuff La always loves to do.  Just because the kids in her grade, her class, two against one were more aggressive.

That worries the crap out of me.  Laura doesn’t back down to anyone around here except me, even Daddy.  I know peers are an entirely different story *later*, but NOW????  In kindergarten???  If someone like Laura isn’t capable or willing to stand up for herself what chance do the Heidi’s of this world have?   What do I do about Laura?! 

And poor Krysta and Skyler.  Five and six years old and that’s what they’re interested in?  I *know* both these children’s families.  I wouldn’t have had them over to play with Laura if I didn’t.  Granted, Sky’s Mommy isn’t the greatest in the world, but she tries, and tries hard.  Where Krysta is coming up with this stuff just astounds me though.  There were some other things she said and did, wanted to play that just boggled my mind.  And I thought I couldn’t be boggled any more.

On the up side, Libby’s 14th birthday is Saturday.  She’s bouncing off the walls excited.  Another sleepover to look forward to, AND her first "My boyfriend is coming over to dinner" occasion.  My birthday is next week, but I am ignoring that as much as possible.  It falls during Fall Break for the kids, so I’ll too busy having a nervous breakdown to remember probably.

Oh!  And good news for everyone else, bad news for Emily, sort of…she finally broke up with Jeremy after two long years.  She says she’s been fed up with him for a while, but she’s not addressing the "I’m single" issues yet, and that bothers me a little.  She’s thrown herself full-blown into talking to 2 or 3 guys already, which is making me nuts, but I can’t stop that girl from being who she is, I’ve already learned that lesson the hard way.  At least Jeremy’s gone.  That is a huge relief.

*Laugh*  I just realized I’ve just written another Downer Post.   Heck.  Next week is Fall Break.  I’m sure there will be giggles in that one.