A Friend In Need Friday May 30, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
I was talking to my dear friend Gayle about how stressed out and helpless I feel, that I’ve begun to doubt that I can do this, when she offered to help me and suggested strongly that I appeal to you, my Friends, for whatever help you could find it in your hearts and minds to lend. My benefits are supposed to go up at the end of June, and that will be a Godsend, but trying to move with only a little SSI check and no help from the guy I’ve helped support all these years just hurts. I feel *poor*. My kids are freakin’ out about how broke we’ll be and worrying if we’ll have toilet paper, let alone a phone the first month.
So, something I’ve never done before depends in part on something I’ve never done before….ask for help. If you guys could spare a big pack of TP, some shampoo, cleaners, just that stuff we have to buy every month….whatever you could or would want to, would be so much of a blessing for the five of us as we step out into this new future next week.
And if you don’t want to, or can’t, please believe me, I understand ALL too well what these times are like, and that some people just don’t go handing out things to others. I am humiliated to even be doing this….but it’s my job to do whatever I can to help my girls lead a safe life.
I’m just sorry to write this.
I wish you all the blessings you can stand…
So Hard Thursday May 29, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
It’s been tough living with me since then, especially the first two years after ol’ Annie went boom. I was on so many different medications-most making me very ill and sleepy, I was really brain damaged at first and wasn’t coherent a lot of the time the first six months. And, of course, the emotional problems began: my learning to deal with my loss of independence coupled with the damage the blood had done to my brain circuits leaving me with short-term memory loss and anxiety disorders.
While I can’t say Mike was a big help during that time, he was there. He held on while his woman went downhill fast and stayed at the bottom, dealing with my ceaseless crying and feeling sorry for myself, the temper tantrums I threw for no reason, the deep depression. Did he handle it all well? Why, no. But he stuck around, when so very many wouldn’t have.
There are things about Mike I still love. His boyish behavior when he’s excited. The way he loves all the girls and insists they’re all *his*. His willingness to talk about anything but emotions freely, whether he’s educated on the subject or not. His love for me, the love that’s tearing him apart right now as he sits back and is forced to watch me prepare to leave him alone. He’s not taking it well, not hearing the part about a separation, he’s sure it’s the end, and watching him deal with that breaks my heart too.
I saw my therapist yesterday. He told me it was obvious I was finally coming back to me-battening down the hatches with the girls and making sure they’re not such spoiled puppies, fighting La’s overly-spirited nature and trying to get her to be at least civilized, and now recognizing that despite Mike’s sacrifices over the year, regardless of his now apparent willingness to do all the things I’ve been asking and demanding of him, that it’s time for me to move out and on for now.
Bill’s right. I have found my strength again, galvanized by what I see in my girl’s eyes when Mike is home. Spurred on by memories of another husband who drank too much and had a bad temper, and what that did to my brain and body. I have the strength finally to say "No More" and mean it, act on it.
Irregardless of how this effects Mike, no matter whether it brings us closer together if he works through his demons or splits us finally, I know this is something I have to do for me, separate even than the issues in our relationship.
But it’s so hard.
Much love to you all and youbetchya…
Good Friends Monday May 26, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Rambles.
Get This: Searching on AdultFriend*Finder "just to see what’s out there, I’m just goofing around, honey."
Yeah, I told him I’d found an apartment and the girls and I are moving out the second week of June. He’s been unreasonably calm, especially for his temperament. He’s agreed to everything I’ve asked for about furniture, the car. I’ve agreed to let him see La pretty much whenever he wants: *as long as he’s sober and will stay that way*. I’ve told him if I ever find him drinking while taking care of her I’ll have him arrested for neglect and anything else I can think of.
It’s *very weird* around here. He’s determined to go back to counseling, take the meds, slow down on the drinking, etc to ‘win me back’. He’s not accepting that I’m done for good and keeps insisting he’ll make the changes necessary to have me move back.
Except for that whole AdultFriend*Finder, of course. I can’t decide whether it’s funny, sad for him: I know it’s insulting to me and the children, but at the same time it illustrates perfectly why I’m done with this. He’s really immature and small enough to think that I’d take that anyway but as a slap. Whatever makes his clock tick.
I’m searching for ways to make enough money to cover all the moving expenses, and stock up the shelves to last the first month. After that, we should be fine. I may not hook up the cable that first month just to save some cash. But I’ll be back, regardless.
You are all awesome, wonderful, supportive friends. I love you all so much.
Til next time he’s back at work!
Awesome reminder Tuesday May 20, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Blessings.
My favorite passage so far is: "I’m grateful for challenges, those hard things I never thought I’d make it through but somehow did."
So I’m counting my blessings.
Those wonderful kids of mine.
All the laughter, singing, dancing, card-playing and just being goofy the bunch of us have to look forward to every day.
The children’s health.
My parent’s good health, the health of my entire family.
That school will be out soon and I’ll get some help with La during the day!
My big dumb dog.
My wonderful, amazing, loving family of friends on Spaces.
Being open and strong and ready for what life has in store for me.
Yeah. Love you guys, thank you so much.
The End Monday May 19, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Rambles.
I’ve been waiting for this man to change and it’s just not gonna happen. I’ve threatened to leave before, even did for a few days, only to come back because he promised to go to counseling. They diagnosed him with Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and he’s refused to take the medication recommended, and then refused to see the counselor again because she diagnosed him with something that might need medication. His temper’s just gotten worse and worse, his drinking has escalated to the point he passed out last weekend on Emily’s bed with her still in it, scaring the hell out of her. This weekend he drank a case of beer in one night and kept the girls up half the night. We just can’t take it anymore.
I’m looking for a place for us now, since he won’t give up the house. It’s going to be an uphill battle the entire way, I guess. He’s not happy I’m going.
We found out, the girls and I, this past week that we can all be happy-but only when he’s at work. Ain’t that sad? It’s time for me to think about more than just the trimmings in this relationship and look at the realities. It’s a disaster, and it’s not going to get better.
I’m sad, but I’ve discovered I don’t even love him anymore. Just too many temper tantrums, too much booze, too many days and nights listening to his paranoid ramblings, his cynical outlook on life, his demands I be the little housewife he expects. Never mind the effect it’s all had on the girls…even if they were happy with him I’d still have to get out. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be safe with him.
Sooo…I’m dealing. Taking it better than I should, the dissolution of a long relationship. Thank goodness for anti-depressants, huh?
Tales of the La Wednesday May 14, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Rambles.
I just don’t get it Tuesday May 13, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in News and politics.
I’ve been a Barack Obama supporter from the very beginning.
Once again, I’m an anomaly in all the pundits eyes.
But it only makes sense to me.
I want a candidate I feel can relate to me. A candidate who understands my life, who shares some of my core values, experiences, beliefs and has at least as much common sense as I do.
Obama’s parents separated and divorced when he was only two years old. Here’s a man who understands divorce issues, not growing up with your biological father, and the power of a mother raising a child on her own.
After his mother remarried, to an Indonesian man he moved with his mother and new stepfather to Indonesia where he was raised until he was 10 years old. Here’s a man who has lived the step child/parent life, been moved to foreign countries to live and taught more than just the homogenized American ABC’s and 1,2,3’s.
At 10, Obama moved back to America to live with his grandmother and family in Hawaiii, attending school there until his graduation and then on to college.
Again, Obama learned about strong women helping families, the example of another woman raising him to be the strong, honorable man he is today.
Kentucky is a notoriously racist state. It’s also a poor state. It’s kind of depressing, actually, living here, but here my roots are, and here I’ll probably stay: just another rebel going against everything my family, community, church and state believes in and votes for.
I can’t pretend to be knowledgeable about how it is to be an African-American. I’ve always had friends of all nationalities, my girls have generally had more black than white friends as they were growing up because we lived in poor neighborhoods while I struggled to hold two jobs, go to college and take care of five kids with no child support or man to help at all. I’ve spent my time passing food stamps to cashiers and getting dirty looks from the customers around me and treated badly as a consumer because of it. A poor person is a lesser person to so many people. In this state, so is a black person. God help this county, but there are children in the street walking to school who call Jack, my Lab, a "N-word" dog because he’s pure black. CHILDREN. They weren’t born feeling that way about the color black.
Obama didn’t have a deprived childhood, he attended private schools and college. But I know that he grew up feeling mistreated at times, discriminated against and the odd man out many times. It’s silly to believe that being well-off and black is much easier in many respects than being poor and black, or poor, white, uneducated and discriminated against because of your social status.
I don’t get why in the world women, so many women who have raised children on their own, have been dealt hard blows financially, weren’t able to get that college education everyone says is so mandatory to a successful life, are so gung-ho for Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton had it easy her entire life. Good grief, the woman was a Republican, working for the Republican agenda for her entire college career.
I want to know what Hillary Clinton has in common with me besides breasts. She’s never been a single mother or the child of a broken home. She’s never struggled to feed a houseful of kids while wondering how to pay next week’s rent. Her idyllic childhood, which she passed on to her daughter have not helped her learn who I am as a person, what my true worries are…how could they?
I don’t get why so many women are falling into line with her, many because they just want to see a woman in the White House. Umm, I’ve got six daughters, you won’t find many more "GIRL POWER!" energized than I am, but I don’t want to just see a woman in the Big Job…I want to see the RIGHT woman take that job.
This is the first election primary I even remember when Kentucky has an actual choice of candidates. I’m thrilled, in some small way, that Hillary hasn’t given up her run yet-but only because I want the joy of going into that little booth and voting for Barack Obama. I’m campaigning for him this Saturday, canvassing neighborhoods and manning the phones to Get Out the Vote. It’s the most exciting thing I will have done in ages.
I just don’t understand these white, poor, older women who think Hillary Clinton is our salvation. I only hope that the inherent racism in so many of these upcoming primaries, like the shameful debacle of W. Virginia tonight won’t divide the Democratic Party further.
I just don’t get it.
Lots of something and nothing Monday May 12, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Rambles.
Soon as the business hadn’t done any calls in 2 weeks, good old Luigi decided to take back off home and freeload of one of the sisters. So while I wanted to slap him sideways for being such a jerkoff, at the same time I was so dang grateful he was finally leaving I was sickeningly sweet to him until his U-Haul pulled out of the backyard. Then I stood up on a chair with my back to the window and mooned him.
I’ve been in an odd frame of mind. We’ve had financial issues before, who doesn’t with a ton of kids and only one person working in the home? But watching Mike go through the seeming knowledge that his business had failed (an idea his jerkoff brother kept pounding into Mike’s head until he actually put the dang truck in gear and took off), even though it isn’t dead, it was just hanging on with life support for a while was breaking my heart. Having to deal with the fear and worry and anxiety on my own without really talking to Mike about it so he didn’t explode: not a fun time for my manic-depressive, anxiety prone psyche. BUT, it was good to be the calm one, the stable one, the cheerleader while Mike sat in his funk was liberating too.
After 2+ weeks of no calls, he finally went job hunting – took two days for this great trucking company to latch onto him for their night shift mechanic, and now he’s in heaven. He’s NOT a morning person, and this means much less tension between him and the girls because…heh heh heh…he’ll rarely see them! PLUS, the business is taking off again, most of the calls are during the day and he’s finally looking upward again.
I, however, have been told unequivocally that I am not hireable. Apparently no company will take on the insurance problems of a seizure-prone stroke patient with migraine issues. So while I danced around thinking about how lovely it would be, how freeing and just plain life-confirming it would be for me to work outside the home, I had a hard crash coming back to the reality AGAIN…I can’t work outside the home. I can mostly run a house with more kids than the average orphanage, deal with more issues on a daily basis than all the politicians in the Presidential race put together, and run the administrative/tax side of a self-employed business, but I can’t get a job at a mini-mart stocking coolers and ringing up 4 candy bars and a Diet*Coke to grouchy people in a hurry.
And then the cluster migraines came. Stress, tension, lack of sleep…and BAM! I spent more time cowering in a dark room hoping the pain pills would work soon than I did dealing with anything else. Yeah, nice reiteration of just how unemployable I am.
To make it all just perfect, I couldn’t get on Spaces 3/4th of the times I tried. Error pages galore. I’ve missed so much of what everyone’s doing, and I’m really sorry. I haven’t forgotten anyone, I’ve just been locked down in the joy and angst of my life…
Just like everyone else, huh? I guess this is just my day to whine. Session over, I promise.
Happy Mother’s Day! Sunday May 11, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
Smart Words from my Uncle Chuck *e-mail* Saturday May 3, 2008Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
Please Read all the way to the bottom:
If you will take the time to read these. I
promise you’ll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis:
They’re written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy……. I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I’ve learned…. That when you’re in
love, it shows. I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day. I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most
peaceful feelings in the world. I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right. I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a
child. I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way. I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires
you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I’ve learned…. That simple walks
with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for. I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class. I’ve learned…. That it’s
those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I’ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I ‘ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I’ve learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I’ve learned… That life is tough, but I’m tougher.
I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I’ve learned…. That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get
To all of you…. Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
National Friendship Week. I love you all very much, my Friends.