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Starting “The Plan” Tuesday September 27, 2005

Posted by gingerbreadman in Plan.
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This sucks.  I can’t think of a plan.  I can’t even plan to plan the plan.  Until after I find out about this surgery, I am not going to know if my eyes are ever going to be better, I’m not going to know if I will ever be able to go to work again, if I could maybe go to school.  Should I try writing?  If so, do I really have the capabilities?  I would have to have the editor with the skills of a college English prof, the patience of a saint and the humor of Chris Rock.  And lordy gordy, organization!  ARGH!  How would I even begin to organize writing?  I am an idiot.  Imp can write.  Obi can write.  Jennie can write.  *I* cannot write.  Especially something people would freaking pay to read.
What would I write about?  The aneurysm?  Yawn.  That’d be fascinating to who?  Oh yeah, the other people who’ve survived one.  Gee, that’s a big readership.  I do have the journals from the first few months, but have mercy!  they’re a mess  LOL.  The struggles of course would have to go in, and heavens knows I’m having enough complications to fill up a few chapters.  People liked the rant.  Everyone on the BAC board thought it should be published.  But is it enough to expand into a book?  Do I have that much passion and energy about the entire experience?
Or I could sit down and do that book about kids I’ve always been told I should do.  But really, I know as much about child rearing as exactly everyone else who has kids.  I just have more kids and experience.  Those are my only qualifications.  Yeah, I tend to do it differently than some.  Not everyone would take their kid to school in their jammies.  Not everyone has dumped the stubborn child in the tub with their clothes still on.  But then, not everyone *would* because I suggested it in a book either. 
Listen to me shoot down every idea I have!  Way to go, Lynn!  Use that great self-esteem, girl!  Grrrrr!
Okay, pick a project.
The aneurysm.  That’s the consuming thing in my life.  I can start off with rants, essays, whatever.  If they end up tying together, great.  I’m not going to write looking to publish or organize right now, because if I do, I’ll pick everything apart looking to make it all better and write badly.  LOL  I’m just going to write.  But every day I’m going to write something.  It’ll be for therapeutic reasons too.  Get the rest of the ugly out of my system about it all.  I’m still mad as hell about having this bitch in my head.  The demon that will not be exorcised, ever, the one who can grow another head at any time.  Happy thought, eh?  Looky there, rant #1 just showed up!  🙂