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Starting Over Fresh Wednesday October 6, 2010

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
6 comments

Wow.

It’s been almost a year since I wrote in this Journal.  What a year it’s been too!  The girlies have all grown so much, physically and emotionally.  I’ve gone through so many changes I can’t even name them all off the bat.

I’ve become hopelessly addicted to this awful Zynga game Mafia Wars on Facebook  *laugh*  It’s all about amassing power and “icing” people.  Didn’t take a psych degree to figure out I was trying to gain some power of my own and feel like I had some control over my anger issues.  It seems to be working though, and I’ve made some good, no, great friends.  It’s a nice distraction.

I’ll write more as soon as I get over the shock of finally being allowed BACK on Spaces just in time to move my beloved Gingerbread Man to WordPress.   Heh…something new to learn to use!

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Never ending? Wednesday October 21, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
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I am beginning to wonder if this up-front pain of the abuse our family has taken from my parents is ever going to end.  Emily is having such a terrible time with it now:  she’s dealing with it in therapy and it’s bringing it out to the surface and all the hurt and anguish she’s been stuffing for the past year and a half is pouring out of her-wave after wave.  It’s just fresh screaming torture for me, seeing and feeling her so hurt, knowing there’s only so much I can do beyond telling her over and over again how much I love her, how none of this is her fault.  Not what he did, not how her Nana has rejected us all to keep her status secure, the new rejection of my brother under the excuse that we’ve upset his mother so much.  Dear Lord.  How do you explain to a girl why anyone would worry about an old woman’s feelings who is protecting a pervert and never stops to ask how the survivor of the abuse is doing?  She feels SO unloved by that family.  All I can do is share that with her, because of course, all of us do here.  We’re all abandoned.  We’ve all been told we’re not the side to pick.  But she was the one who was hurt, and I just want to go and mow them all down and burn their bodies when I think of her crying over their rejection of her.

All I can do is cry with her, cry alone, and promise her her Momma would never, will never stop loving her for anyone, any thing, any reason.  And hope that those people haven’t destroyed her trust and faith so deeply that she believes me.

Heh, heh, heh Friday October 16, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Yep, I's Nuts.
7 comments
I decided I didn’t even want to talk about my birthday.  Suffice it to say, that between it being the first year without an acknowledgement from my parents or brothers that I am alive and Jess and Becca both having to work that day (though Becca did come in later that night once she got away), and Mike being a jerk just cuz he is sometimes – it was bad.  End of story.

I am now hopelessly hooked on Mafia Wars on FaceBook.  I can’t even remember why I signed up for FB, I think it was to chase Holy down and look for a few people, but then Gina got me sucked in to MW and now I’m addicted.  Anyone want to add me if they’re on FB already and want to play?  LOL  Oh, I found Tarhead Mugwump there too!  So nice to see him again!

At least it’s pulling me out of this hideous depression I’ve been in for so, so long.

Big Scare and Life Lesson Sunday October 11, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Rambles.
5 comments
Got an e-mail last Monday from my cousin’s husband, the preacher, saying his mom had been missing for a while now and that it was urgent she was found as her daughter-in-law and grandchild were in a serious auto accident and she (the Mom) was wanted at the hospital for emotional support.  The idea of W. being missing for any length of time was startling enough, she has a big family, lives next door to her brother, and all of her sons live in-state with her in TN or, like Ron, right across the border in KY.  So I was a little concerned.

Ten minutes later, Ron’s daughter sends out another e-mail.  Grandma has been missing for over 24 hours, actually.  She was supposed to come up to KY to a church up in my neck of the woods to attend morning services and never showed up.  No one had seen or heard from her since then and her cell phone calls were going directly to voice mail.  The drive off the interstate to the church is a particularly nasty piece of road, so Mike and I decided to set out and go looking for her car since he knows 90 pretty well and he could tell I was losing it just sitting around doing nothing.  So, we got the particulars of W’s car, let Ron’s family know what we were doing and set off. 

It was about an hour’s drive just to get to the town we were headed for to look for the car and the path W. would have taken.  Plenty of time for me to tell Mike all about what a genuinely warm, sweet, loving person W. is.  I first met her when Ron and Rhonda started courting back when I was just 16 or so, and his family was big- loud, rowdy-5 boys, all looking like they could play professional football as tackles-and all Gospel Music singers who were famous all over the South.  W. made sure to talk to everyone in our family, make us all feel important and special, even though she was the visitor to our hometown.

Later, after Ron and Rhonda got married, I’d often go with them on their ‘singing trips’ when I started dating one of the guys in the group.  W.  remembered me, though it’d been years since the first time we’d met, and she again went out of her way to make me feel welcome, comfortable.  Just a sweet, sweet, woman.  Even after Brian and I broke up and I went on to marry and have kids and would run into W. and her husband and family at holidays over at Ron n’ Rhonda’s, we always took time to catch up on each other’s lives, and W. spread her love down to all my girls, bringing them little gifts when she knew she’d be running in to us all.

Driving down that twisting road with all it’s drop-offs and sharp curves, all I could think of is what kind of outcome is really possible for a woman in her mid-60’s who has been missing over 24 hours and can’t be reached?  All the hospitals had already been called and she wasn’t in them.  The State Police had an A.P.B. on her car, and even after driving the route she would have taken, even getting on the interstate and following it for 13 miles, there was no sign of her car anywhere.  We went back to 90 and stopped at every little service station and restaurant asking if anyone had seen her, seen her car.  Nothing.

I was heartsick.  Worried.  In tears thinking of what her sons must be thinking, especially her youngest son Tim who not only didn’t know where his Momma was, but had a wife in the hospital and a daughter who might lose an eye and had a broken nose and foot that needed surgery. 

We came back home because Emily had a doctor’s appt.  The State Police sent word they’d tracked her phone to Florence, KY.  A long, long way from the little church she never made it to on Sunday.  My fear just mounted and my confusion about all of this went through the roof.

Then the e-mail came, finally late that afternoon–"Mom’s been found.  She’s fine."
WTH?
So I called Ron’s daughter and asked her what had happened, where had she been, what was going on??!
She wouldn’t say, only that Ron would e-mail everyone later and explain, that it was "embarrassing" and they had to figure out how to deal with it first.

Well, me and my dirty mind, I immediately thought W., after 3 years of widowhood had found a boyfriend and didn’t want the boys to know.  But why drive practically two states away for *that*?  Florence, KY is practically on the Ohio border.

Turns out W. has a gambling addiction.  Florence has race tracks and a casino of some kind.  Bless her heart.

I cannot imagine the mortification Ron must be feeling, knowing his Momma he reveres lied about going to church in another state only to head up this way to gamble.  Or how W. feels, knowing she was gambling while her granddaughter and son needed her, that the police had an A.P.B. on her.

How often do we set off to do something, never thinking for a moment that at any time, someone could need us *that minute* and if we simply turned off our cell phones we couldn’t be found if we didn’t want to be?   Even if it’s not something shameful or forbidden or deceitful?  Just hours we’ve decided to go away and take time for us?  I don’t know how I’d ever live with myself if I went off on one of my little excursions I’m always threatening to take and something were to happen and one of the girls needed me.

I feel so badly for W.  I don’t know if she has a gambling addiction or if she just likes playing the slots.  I know she scared the hell out of a lot of people who love her.  I know she lied to people she loved.   I know she would never willingly put anything above being there for her kids and grandkids. 

I know it’s put me off watching those darn Forensic Files shows Mike had me watching with him for so long too.  I had such awful pictures in my head the entire ride up and down highway 90.  But for once we were wrong.  A 60-ish year old woman can vanish for 24 hours and her car be nowhere to be found along the route she was supposed to take and it still turns out okay.  The sweet woman is still here with us.

Blessings.
I’ll write about the birthday from hell in a few days.  LOL

Wow Thursday October 1, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Ain't THAT a whoopin'?!.
6 comments
I was looking for a quote I used often a long time ago and have since forgotten the end to, and decided maybe I’d find it in my blog archives.  Of course, I didn’t.  Too much to slog through, I was hoping maybe it was in one of the titles, but no.  What made me say "Wow" was how much I’ve written in all these years, and how many readers I’ve lost in the past year and a half.  Some have left blog land, some have just left me.  That, of course, is my fault:  not only was I absent for quite a while and then only sporadic, but I was quite depressing when I did manage to get online and write.  So thank you to the faithful few who’ve stuck around to come see how me and mine are doing.  I love you too.  =)

Laura hosted her first sleep-over this past week-end.  Skyler, Krysta and Heidi came over to play, all friends from her Head Start experience last year.  Krysta is also in her kindergarten class this year now and Sky lives close to us even if they don’t play together very often.  Heidi is still in HS, she’s just turned 5 last month.  Heidi is the sweetest little darlin’ ever, all kitty cats and pink ribbons and soft baby dolls.  Sky and Krysta are more "Let’s play DIE, DIE, DIE!" and "You can’t be on the top bunk because you’re wearing short pajamas and we’re wearing long pants jammies" types.  Weird as it is, normally agressive Laura is strangely quiet and cooperative with everyone when she’s with her peers, she’ll go along with whatever is going on as long as it isn’t a competitive game.  Needless to say, there were a number of times I had to pet Heidi while she cried, explain to Sky and Krysta that we don’t play bloodthirsty games at my house, break up little fights every 4 minutes…
And of course it rained all day.  You know it did.
Heidi didn’t get to spend the night, her grandma hasn’t cut the umbilical cord that much yet, even though Mom was willing and Heidi begged.  But at least she didn’t get tortured in the Barbie bloodfest that went on later at 10:30 pm when Krysta wanted to reenact a scene from Saw 3 after I was dumb enough to leave them alone for 10 minutes.  Laura alerted me to *that* one. 

I remember Jess and Becca’s sleepovers at that age when all I had to worry about was if any of the girls were going to say any naughty words one of the other kids hadn’t heard before.  And the twins sleepovers, keeping alert that one of the kids might know something "dirty" and spread the knowledge to their little friends.  Now I’ve got all that AND a six year old looking for my butter knives so she can pretend to hack up La’s Barbies?  Wow.

Laura finally gave in to her gentler nature and crawled into my bed and curled up next to me.  She said she didn’t like sleepovers any more.  I was so sad for her.  She’d looked forward to this treat for weeks, been so excited to have these girls over and play.  Only they didn’t want to play ponies and dress-up, watch Barbie movies and act them out with her, didn’t want to color or play with the paints and the butcher paper.  They wanted mayhem and scary stuff.  And what saddened me the most is that Laura, instead of sticking to her *self* came around and sided with the majority and went along for the most part.  She even told me after Heidi left that she (Heidi) was a baby.  After 3 hours of playing happily with H doing all the stuff La always loves to do.  Just because the kids in her grade, her class, two against one were more aggressive.

That worries the crap out of me.  Laura doesn’t back down to anyone around here except me, even Daddy.  I know peers are an entirely different story *later*, but NOW????  In kindergarten???  If someone like Laura isn’t capable or willing to stand up for herself what chance do the Heidi’s of this world have?   What do I do about Laura?! 

And poor Krysta and Skyler.  Five and six years old and that’s what they’re interested in?  I *know* both these children’s families.  I wouldn’t have had them over to play with Laura if I didn’t.  Granted, Sky’s Mommy isn’t the greatest in the world, but she tries, and tries hard.  Where Krysta is coming up with this stuff just astounds me though.  There were some other things she said and did, wanted to play that just boggled my mind.  And I thought I couldn’t be boggled any more.

On the up side, Libby’s 14th birthday is Saturday.  She’s bouncing off the walls excited.  Another sleepover to look forward to, AND her first "My boyfriend is coming over to dinner" occasion.  My birthday is next week, but I am ignoring that as much as possible.  It falls during Fall Break for the kids, so I’ll too busy having a nervous breakdown to remember probably.

Oh!  And good news for everyone else, bad news for Emily, sort of…she finally broke up with Jeremy after two long years.  She says she’s been fed up with him for a while, but she’s not addressing the "I’m single" issues yet, and that bothers me a little.  She’s thrown herself full-blown into talking to 2 or 3 guys already, which is making me nuts, but I can’t stop that girl from being who she is, I’ve already learned that lesson the hard way.  At least Jeremy’s gone.  That is a huge relief.

*Laugh*  I just realized I’ve just written another Downer Post.   Heck.  Next week is Fall Break.  I’m sure there will be giggles in that one.

Blessings!

The End in the Beginning or the other way ’round Tuesday September 22, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
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Well, we got the twins 16th birthday celebrations done, finally.  It was kind of our normal bizarre:  twisted note from the Nana who has abdicated saying she treasures her memories of them.  No mention of the word love, no gift.  Just pissed the girls off (really I think they were deeply hurt since they noted aloud there was no L-Word).  So, they asked for and were granted permission to have a little bar-b-q outside with that mess.  They DID get to spend tons of time with their boyfriends, and then they had the traditional, time-honored girls-only sleepover.  Jess is taking them this weekend for a sleepover at her place in BG so she can take them to the big mall and spend some time and money on them.  Driving permits are just a few weeks away. 

They were both accepted into this really great program for high school students, Upward Bound . They offer tutoring if needed, help the students find grants, take the kids on college tours, prep them for ACT and SAT’s, and take them on amazing trips each summer.  Last year the group went to L.A.!  It’s all FREE, so Momma says "Yes, Lawd!" And on top of that, the kids get a stipend each month if they fulfill their requirements so it’s like they’re paying the girls to get tutored and go on trips.  I’m so so grateful.  This is exactly what Katie needs to find the perfect place for her, and just the impetus to get Emmy really motivated and moving…sometimes I worry this relationship with Jeremy has her sidetracked into thinking she’s not really going to finish college.  Silly girl doesn’t believe the threat that I’ll enroll just to drag her ass to class all 4 years.  Like she hasn’t lived with me all this time now?

Libby’s hit 8th grade with a vengeance:  she’s got the look down, has her posse at her back and is ready to make sure she’s got all the best grades going into high school next year.  She even snagged herself a boyfriend who likes kittens as much as she does, which worries me only a wee bit.  She’s full-blown into the Archery club, already shopping for her own bow and bouncing off the wall because Nationals are in California this year.  Last year they placed really well in State and were invited to Nat’ls but we declined because of the cost.  Hopefully this year, with the High School taking the sport up too, we’ll have the funding to send them all on.  It’s great to see her really pumped about something after she lost her love for softball.  It’s sad when adults playing power games screw up a game for the kids so much they don’t even want to play it anymore. 

Laura’s hearing tests came back great, she did much, much better on her last test so we’re so relieved.  She’s still grousing about having to wear earplugs in the tub, but she’ll get used to it, and I know she’ll eventually figure out it’s nice NOT having infections every 3 weeks or so.  She’s doing great in school.  Her conduct reports were all "Exceeds Expectations", so we were a little confused at first of course, La being La, but then I went to lunch with her a few times and now I understand.  She is ensconsed in a class full of first class screeching demons.  They make even my flying monkey look good. 

What’ve I been doing with my free time?  It’s sad, really.  Nothing.  Vegging.  Nothing productive.  Nothing educational.  I’ve managed to become addicted to the television show Bones and I watch a little more CSI: Miami than I used to do.  I spent some time worrying how badly they were going to screw up House this season since they seem determined to tank what used to be the best show on television, but I feel a little better after last night’s premier episode.  I’ve been writing A LITTLE, but only when Mike is out of the house and I’ll know he’s going to be gone for a while, I hate to finally get settled into the groove and hear the door slam and have to jump out of my world.  So that’s going slowly.  Sometimes I think the world is trying to tell me I’m not supposed to write this book after all.  And sometimes I think I’m just lazy.

Blessings!

Laura’s all better =) Friday September 11, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
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Amazing what a couple of tiny tubes will do for a child’s hearing, isn’t it?  Her surgery Tuesday went wonderfully-she was jumping on the bed like a trampolinist 5 hours later and making me wish I’d just sent her on to school!  She still had a lot of infection in her left ear even when they went in for the placement, so much so they couldn’t get it all out, so she’s on antibiotic ear drops for a week-and so far that’s been her biggest complaint:  being still long enough for the drops! 

I finally after a few weeks of sitting for Serenity decided I was going to drop that after all.  Her mom was trying to take advantage of me big time in quite a few ways, and I came to realize how over being tied down to the house with a baby I really was.  Wow, what a freeing realization that was!  With most of my illnesses finally behind me I’m really free to decide what I want to do with my time for once, and I just don’t want to go the little baby route again.  Is that awful?

Jessica has dropped the bomb on us that she and Landon are getting married in December.  I think I mentioned this once before maybe…  The kicker is she’s getting married on the 18th…the day after Laura’s birthday.  The day BEFORE Jess graduates from college.  One week before Christmas.  Then she tells me they’ll be getting married at her father’s parents house since his folks have such a hard time getting around.  Ick.  ANNNDDDD  then she and Landon will be leaving for MINNESOTA for the holidays!!!!

I think she’s trying to kill me.  Funny, I always thought La would be the one to off me, didn’t you?

Love and Blessings!

Hello, My Name is Lynn, and I…. Thursday August 27, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
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am going to try like the dickens to start posting here regularly again.  No, really….don’t walk away shaking your head in disbelief.  I can do it, I know I can! 

It’s been a whirlwind of confusion and activity ’round here, big surprise, no?   All the kids started school on the fifth of August:  Katie and Emily are Juniors now (EEKKK!!  All I hear from them is "One more year and we’re off to college, Mom!"), Libby has started eighth grade, and Laura has embarked upon her kindergarten adventures.  I can’t believe she’s taking it so well.

Of course, La being La, she’s missed almost as much school as she’s attended due to her ear infections AGAIN.   THREE separate incidents since school started.  She’s got her second ENT appointment on the first of Sept, and I am really hoping he’s just going to decide to tube her.  I know she’ll go through hell dealing with the placement, but 8 ear infections or more a year?  Every year?!  This is just ridiculous!

I’ve started babysitting the eight week old daughter of Laura’s teacher from HeadStart last year.  Little Serenity is a doll, but naming kids things like that always seem to backfire.  This child is anything but Serene.  Or that could be the influence of Mommy, Daddy and Big Brother never letting the kid’s head touch a blanket or surface.  I’m trying to get her on a schedule now, but had forgotten that special hell of "letting them cry it out".  Ugh.

Okay, baby crying and almost time for Laura’s last check-up before she goes back to school for the first time this week.  Poor baby(s).

Love and Blessings!

And I’m back again Monday July 13, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
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Lordy be, what a month!  And it’s not even half-over yet, huh?
 
I just got out of the hospital (yet again) a few days ago, but BOY do I feel better!  Better than in the past year, actually.  All it took was two pints of blood, 3 days on fluids and getting off all the meds I’ve been on for the past 3 years. 
 
Apparently, there’s something going on with my colon, the large one, that they’re going to pinpoint soon, thank goodness.  I’m ready to be and stay all better physically after all the drama all this time.  They’ve even found a medication I can take for my migraines that actually STOPS the headache within an hour.  Holy moly, but I’ve hit the jackpot at last.
 
Annie’s doing great, watching over the only pup we kept like a good, overly-attentive mom.  The brat king pup is finally figuring out where to go do his business.  That stress was nice to shed.
 
I’m working on the mental/emotional disaster that has been my life for the past year with my parents.  It’s amazing how much things change when you can look at the situation and laugh, isn’t it?  I had a couple conversations with my father that had me laughing in relief…he’s so damn sick.  Once I figured that out and stopped looking at it personally, it took so much off me.  Emmy’s healing, and that is what matters most to me.  My mother?  Lost cause.  I’ve accepted that at last, I think.  It takes a great deal to get over the hurt of her rejection of my girls…but once I realized THAT what was driving me hardest and hurting the deepest, it was so much easier to figure out how to heal from it.  I guess I feel sorry for her.  What does she have?  A sick husband who wants to see his daughter’s breasts so much he’s now asking for a drive-by flash ("Who can it hurt, Lynn?)  The situation is so ludicrous I have to laugh.
 
Turning everything over to a higher power and just letting it all go has helped tremendously.  I have to thank ‘Rett for that, for leading me in the right direction, for offering all his help and resources.  I took your advice, ‘Rett, and it did me wonders.  Thank you so much for caring and helping me.
 
We even made it to the lake once so far this summer!  Woo Hoo, considering the kind of shape I’ve been in.  The big girls are off on a mini-vacation being spoiled by some relatives, La and I have planned a "Monday Fun-Day", and even Mike isn’t so horribly insufferable now that I’m feeling physically up to par.  Now just to figure out what to do about THAT relationship long-term.
 
I love you people.  "Ever’ damn one of ya’" as someone I know likes to say. 
 
Back soon.  Blessings!

Blessings on Dr. Green Monday June 22, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
6 comments
UPDATE:
Annie’s doing better
now.  Thank heavens for Dr. Green!  The part I’d left out because I was
such a wreck Saturday was the problem of having $350.00 in the bank at
the drop of the hat to pay for the surgery.  I had $50 on my bank card
thinking she just needed some phenegran or something simple.  All the
banks were closed already.  The doctor told me I could pay the rest of
the charges for the day ( another $90) Monday but that she needed the
surgery.

 Mike blew a gasket when I called and told him how much the
surgery was.  I almost understand how he felt…$350 is a lot of money,
and we’d just replaced the transmission in his truck last week AND
bought a used van for me ( a CHEAP van, but nonetheless, money we
didn’t usually put out).  But this was Annie!!! 
I told the vet I would pay the rest of it the first when my SSI comes
in.  He looked me in the eyes and asked me, "WILL you pay it then,
because I’m carrying thousands of dollars on the books from people
who’ve told me that".  I’d been crying and hugging Annie since he’d
drawn blood on her 20 minutes earlier to see just how bad the infection
was, I had almost collapsed in horror when he told me she needed the
surgery NOW because it was so bad.  I choked out how YES YES YES I
would pay him the first, as soon as his doors opened.

I don’t know what made him believe me.  I don’t even know if he did. 
Perhaps he just loves animals so much he couldn’t send one home to die
when someone promised to pay.  But thanks to him, she had her surgery. 
He called me early Sunday morning and asked me if I was ready to pick
up my girl.  I laughed and said I’d be there in 10 minutes.  He called
twice to check on her too.  I hope everyone who has a beloved pet has a vet as wonderful as our Dr. Green.

My Annie is safe and home.  Puts so much in perspective about what is important.