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Borrowing a computer Thursday June 26, 2008

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All’s well!  Should have phone service sometime Mid-July..  Haven’t gotten any mail yet, but dangit, I haven’t sent any yet either!

Love ya!

Really Gone now Friday June 20, 2008

Posted by gingerbreadman in Blessings.
8 comments
Today’s the day.  A lot of horrid things have continued to happen this past week….but today is the New Beginning.
I’m cancelling my estrogen7@scrtc.com email account.  Most of you have the hotmail account anyway, and since I’ll be gone for at least a month, I’m thinking, the emails won’t do much good anyway.

I’m going to miss getting online and visiting with everyone SO much.
Please remember I love ya all….I’ll be back when I can and I hope you’re all still around!!

And Count Your Blessings!

Hugs for everyone…

Actually Moving Wednesday June 18, 2008

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Friday is moving in day!!!

Finally, something positive  =)

And for those who want to keep in touch with cards and letters, cuz who knows when my internet will be back up:
Message me and I’ll give you the addy and phone number!

A special THANK YOU!!!! to BBB, Cindy, Flooz, Rose, SAAM, Vallerie and Vonnie for helping so much to make this sorely needed move possible.  I don’t know how I would have managed without your love and generosity.
Or the comments, thoughts, and prayers of everyone who is riding this big nasty wave with the girls and me.
So much love and gratitude to you all!

Probably going to be my last post for a while, there’s still a lot of packing and arranging to do.
I love and miss you all already!!!

Blessings!

Still Waiting Monday June 16, 2008

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The hits, they keep a-coming here.  This is obviously a huge test of my strength, and I’m battling my depression demons, trying to stay chin up for the girls, but it is so, so hard.

Took Emmy to the therapist today, and of course he had to report the incident to the authorities.  I’d forgotten about that part, honestly.  I still would have taken her, but listening to the therapist tell me my dad might get arrested and put in jail before a judge would commit him…it made me sick, picturing that puffy, old, sick man in handcuffs.  I felt such overwhelming guilt:  guilt for ever hooking up with Mike and staying so long, guilt for taking the girls to my parents, even not knowing how bad dad had gotten.  Guilt for telling Mom and causing all her pain, guilt for what Emmy’s going through, guilt for what my dad is going through, God help me.  I know it’s not rational, I know none of this is my fault-but I’m eaten alive with it anyway.

Mom’s taking Dad to his shrink in the morning to have him put in the hospital, they told me if he went on his own that they wouldn’t need to arrest him.  All Dad is saying is that he doesn’t know why he did it, he’s so sorry and that he’s sick and needs help.  I wonder, bitterly, if he’s feeling as much guilt as I am, is in as much pain as Mom.  I wonder if I’ll ever go to my parent’s house again.  I don’t know what my life will be like now, not trusting the one person I’d adored for so long, never seeing his hands again without picturing them on Emily.  I cannot imagine how parents of children who have been raped feel…it must be the most horrible thing imaginable.

We’re trying to adjust to Jack being gone.  Wrapping our minds around the fact that someone would deliberately poison an animal, an obviously owned animal, just a big goofy, friendly dog who loved everyone.  It’s so strange getting up in the morning and not finding him crowding my feet, ready to play Fetch before I’ve had my first cup of coffee.  So sad to sit in this chair and not have him under the desk, snuggling my feet.  Painful to hear Katie not calling for her "Jacky Poo Poo". 

We were going to move into a 2 bedroom to hurry the process along, I was more than happy to sleep on a couch in the living room and give the bedrooms to the girls, but they don’t allow that in my apartment complex.  Now they tell me it’ll be Thursday or Friday.  Something about the maintenance man taking off work…his vacation was a week ago, and he took off today to take his wife to the doctor.  Whoever lived in the 3 bedroom before left it in a real mess, and they had to replace all the flooring and coverings. 

At least Mike is being semi-decent to live with, knowing what we’ve all gone through.  He’s taking it easier on the girls, and while he’s pressing me to let him ‘comfort’ me, at least he’s not yelling at anyone right now.  I think we can get through this week if we have to.  Who am I kidding?  We’ll have to get through this week, and whatever else comes up.

Blessings…
I’m blessed to have such wonderful children.
They’re smart too…they all came home with A & B report cards…Katie’s was straight A’s!
I’m grateful for the memory and photos of my black lab, Jack.
I’m blessed to have friends who listen and care about my problems.
I’m blessed I have so much music on my computer…I can find everything for any kind of mood.
I’m blessed my meds were refilled two weeks ago.
I’m blessed that my health isn’t deteriorating on top of everything else.
I’m blessed to know better than to ever say, "It can’t get any worse."
I’m blessed you are all here and this is a safe place to be.
I’m blessed that I am able to love freely and openly, and feel that love come back to me from so many sources.
I’m grateful I can still find some blessings, even in this dark place I’m in right now.

Blessings to all you

Just one more Sunday June 15, 2008

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Our gorgeous, goofy, affectionate, shedding like crazy black Lab, Jack was murdered today.
He’d gotten away from me on his lead and headed down to the river to play with some stray ‘friends’ of his.
There’s a man who lives there who hates dogs, and leaves poisoned meat out.

Jack had some.  He’s gone, and this house doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to be happy again right now.
Mike buried him between the two trees he loved best to rest under.

I’m going to miss that goofy mutt and his attack tail.

Blowing the clouds away Saturday June 14, 2008

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We went to the lake today, to try to get rid of the black cloud hanging over everyone’s head.  Of course, it was overcast and cool. =\
 
More later, but I wanted to explain our Going to the Lake Music…in addition to our "Life’s Rough" stuff.
 
Going out to grill….

““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`
We had a good time at the lake.  I actually went so far, due to the weather, to pray for just a little sun to give us a pretty day.  The sun peeked out twice, for a few minutes  LOL and stayed in until we got back on the road home.  Then it blazed away.  At least it warmed us up, gave us a pretty drive back in.   Laura, who has been swimming underwater since age 2, taught herself the breaststroke yesterday.  The kid is a natural athlete…it’s so glorious to watch her glide through the water, swing like Babe Ruth and smack the heck out of her wiffle ball, run like there’s no tomorrow.  Emily calls out, "Run like your momma’s on fire!" to Laura, she takes off and there’s no catching her.

It was so good to get away for a time…away from this house, away from our thoughts.  We jammed all the way to Barren River Lake to our "Going To the Lake" cd, ate whatever we wanted, frolicked in the lake and *laughed*.

I had a bad time last night.  It’s really starting to hit me.  What my poor Mom must have on her mind…Dad robbing Emily of the sweetness of her boyfriend’s hand being the first one to ever touch her in the heat of love, my fear the memories of her poppa’s hands having been there before.  I realize I now have no male I can trust completely, neither do the girls.  We’ve been robbed now, because my father is a sick, sick man.  I don’t know what to do with all this pain and worry I have for Mom and Emily.  I’ll worry about me when I know they’re alright.  I’m so sad for everyone involved in this.

I need some good thoughts…it’s a struggle to find my blessings right now.

Much love to you all.

Please think of us Saturday June 14, 2008

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We left the house yesterday after a fit-throwing session by Mike, and the girls and I went to my Mom and Dad’s.  We’d planned on staying there until the apartment was ready at the beginning of next week.

Unfortunately, things took a disturbing turn for the worst.  I can share this with you because I know you are my dear friends and will send your thoughts, love and prayers our way right now…when we’ve needed them most.

My Dad is mentally ill. Very mentally ill.  He’s been medicated throughout most of my teenage years and all my adult life.
He asked me this morning if I would show him my breasts.  When I, shocked and afraid, told him No, he wanted to know why not…that it wouldn’t hurt anything.  I told him this was very inappropriate, that it was disturbing on many levels.  That I was his daughter, and he was making me very uncomfortable.  Then I got up and left the room.

I didn’t realize Emily was in the computer room, using Dad’s computer at the time.  He went in there, slid his hands down her shoulders from behind and cupped her breasts for a moment.  Emily went into shock…thinking it’d been a mistake and he’d been trying to hug her maybe.  But she made an excuse, and came downstairs in a hurry.  I had to pry out of her what was wrong…her Poppa has always been her favorite male, favorite person…she just couldn’t believe it, until I told her what he’d done to me too.

I called my Mom at work, and while I didn’t want to tell her over the phone what’d happened, I wanted a ride back to Munfordville NOW.  She took it…well, how do you take it when your sick husband has just propositioned your daughter and man-handled your grandchild?  She came home.

It’s been a heinous 24 hours for us.  Driven out of our house with Mike’s idiot rambling, then driven from our safe haven at Nana and Poppa’s by the sick ideas in our beloved Daddy/Poppa’s mind.

I’ve got an 8 am appointment for Emmy and me with my therpist on Monday.  We’re talking it out, lots…sharing our pain and shock and worry for my Mom.  She’s in so much pain and I don’t know how to help her.  Please send your thoughts and prayers our way?

Love to you all.

Oh my… Monday June 9, 2008

Posted by gingerbreadman in Blessings.
7 comments
I’m so blessed and happy right now.  Thank you all so much for everything. 

We’re moving this week finally.  Hallelujah.  Mike’s being a bit difficult, but I keep reminding myself it’s the last week, and he’s dealing with a lot too.  Sometimes that actually helps!  =)

Mostly the girls and I have tried to avoid him during the day.  We practice softball with Libby, play on the slip*n*slide with Laura, have lots of water gun fights and clean house, readying for the move.

Libby’s team is undefeated so far!  Woo Hoo! 

Emmy and Jeremy are coming up on their 1 year anniversary, and I’ve got to get rid of that boy soon. =/

Laura is growing like a weed and now eating me out of house and home.  Such a switch from before when she wouldn’t eat anything but pop*tarts and bread.

I’m thrilled.  The girls are happy and excited.  I’ve got amazing friends who are so generous and loving and sweet.  I’m moving to our independence, happiness and safety.

I’ve got limited time on the pc right now, I’ll be around to talk to all of you before the week is out and say "see you soon."

Oh yeah…GO OBAMA!!!!  Tuesday night was such a beautiful time.

Love you all, and blessings.  I am so happy right now, which is kinda funny…but that’s what friends are for, isn’t it?  I wish I could just make all of you as blessed as I am.

Finally Monday Monday June 2, 2008

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I can’t write on the weekends right now, Mike is hanging on to me like a tic on a dog.  But it’s finally Monday evening, the girls are off my computer for a while and he’s gone to work and I can breathe easily…and write again.  Hooray!

Mike isn’t being overly generous at this time, but he’s not totally shutting me down intentionally, I THINK.  He wants to keep this house so the girls and I can come back to it "when I’ve decided I’ve had enough of this insanity", so of course he has to pay the bills, and the first of the month is always hard…so many of the bills come due then.  I’m certainly not helping him with any of those bills this month, but I can’t bring myself to take light bulbs away either…luckily, the apartment comes with them!  I don’t want to be a bitch, I don’t want to antagonize him any more than my moving away is already doing…not just because I don’t want to deal with him acting ugly, but because we share Laura, and I have to strive to make this easy for her as much as possible AND show her a good example.  Are there times I want to strip the house down, including taking all the outlets?  Sure.  But I don’t want this phase of my life to start out in animosity and small behavior on my part, I’ll get enough of that from Mike.

And of course, I expect child support from him, before the month is out.  I’ve got child support services working out how much that will be and when I’ll get it.  I didn’t even want to try negotiating that with him. 

Oh yeah….

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU TOO!

Not because you’re helping me, but because of your words, your prayers, your thoughts for me and the girls, and your generosity of spirit and heart.

I don’t know if it’s just me…or if everyone feels this way to some extent…but I always know how much I love others, my friends, what I would be happy to do for them, what I want to do *just because*…but it never occurs to me that I’m loved that much *Back*.  You hope how deeply you feel is shared by the people you love, but you never quite think of or believe that it’s coming back to you.  I never dreamed in a million years I’d be asking people for help with this, and in a katrillion lifetimes I never thought of the outpouring of love the girls and I have received back.  Honestly, I didn’t begin to think we’d get the response that has come, I felt like such a jerk even asking for help.  You’ve all reminded me that just like how I’d respond to others who need help, it’s coming back to me too.  You just cannot know how much it means to my spirit, my heart and soul, to find this love coming to me, especially now when I’ve got so much turmoil going on here at home.

The apartment should be ready by the end of the week, I’m told, so hope, hope, hopefully the girls and I will be moving this weekend or the beginning of next week.  I will definitely visit the library as much as possible while I wait for the internet to get hooked back up.  One thing Mike HAS done is leave the girls’ cell phones on since they are in his name so that we’ll have a phone in the house until I get a new number.  So those of you I call or who call me, remind me and I’ll give you those numbers so we can keep in touch that way too.

I should be sad, disturbed, angry right now, but you have all saved me from that.  All I can do is feel grateful, loved and *right* in my decision to start over again.  Leaving is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I think, but you’ve all made it so much easier in so many ways.  Thank you for your generosity, your support, your encouragement to get the girls out of this and into a healthy, safe home again.

So many blessings.