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Never ending? Wednesday October 21, 2009

Posted by gingerbreadman in Uncategorized.
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I am beginning to wonder if this up-front pain of the abuse our family has taken from my parents is ever going to end.  Emily is having such a terrible time with it now:  she’s dealing with it in therapy and it’s bringing it out to the surface and all the hurt and anguish she’s been stuffing for the past year and a half is pouring out of her-wave after wave.  It’s just fresh screaming torture for me, seeing and feeling her so hurt, knowing there’s only so much I can do beyond telling her over and over again how much I love her, how none of this is her fault.  Not what he did, not how her Nana has rejected us all to keep her status secure, the new rejection of my brother under the excuse that we’ve upset his mother so much.  Dear Lord.  How do you explain to a girl why anyone would worry about an old woman’s feelings who is protecting a pervert and never stops to ask how the survivor of the abuse is doing?  She feels SO unloved by that family.  All I can do is share that with her, because of course, all of us do here.  We’re all abandoned.  We’ve all been told we’re not the side to pick.  But she was the one who was hurt, and I just want to go and mow them all down and burn their bodies when I think of her crying over their rejection of her.

All I can do is cry with her, cry alone, and promise her her Momma would never, will never stop loving her for anyone, any thing, any reason.  And hope that those people haven’t destroyed her trust and faith so deeply that she believes me.

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1. Donene - Wednesday October 21, 2009

This crap, oh so f\’ing sucks!!! I am so sorry your family is doing this to you guy\’s. Call if you need anything, D

2. Jacque - Wednesday October 21, 2009

Oh Lynn,I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know that you have a fierce protective heart when it comes to your children. I will pray that Emily will come to realize the depth of your love and the strength that she has within.Much love,Jacque 🙂

3. SAAM - Friday October 23, 2009

Sorry about it all. Your parents and brother are not nice people and do NOT deserve you and Emily and the rest of your wonderful daughters. And sorry about having a crappy birthday!I just read that you are on facebook so I added you, of course!!

4. Holy - Friday October 23, 2009

You took a noble and needed stand and never regret that – regardless of how the family was torn assunder and how Em hurts (and yes, how you hurt because you wear everyone\’s plus your own). She will learn and grow from this deep soul wound – and it is deep and it\’s arguably her life wound, so to speak – but it will shape her in marvelous ways. You watch. And from it, she will learn what love is and love isn\’t. Love isn\’t that other side. It isn\’t conditional upon appearances and image. And at the end of the day, it makes for a far lonelier existence on the other side of the fence. I\’m sure your mom envies your courage and conviction to do the right thing.Because at the end of the day, she doesn\’t get to count her blessings like you. You can feel blessed in knowing that you\’ve taught and teach your girls more about love and about boundaries and loyalty.Love,Holy

5. Rose - Wednesday October 28, 2009

You wonder if the pain of the abuse will ever end; yes, it will, when you choose to not allow yourselvves to suffer from it any longer. Totally easier said than done, of course. When we\’re hurt by something as big as this, we tend to hold onto it, questioning, feeling the pain, turning it over, trying to make sense. We hold it close as we try to figure out why this happened, what can be done, why oh why oh why. We grasp and grapple with it; sometimes we wear the victimhood like a cloak, wrapping ourselves up in the pain, wishing that the abusers (they are all abusers to you in my mind right now) would suffer, too. We stay connected to it all and carry it around over our shoulders in a big ol\’ bag of hurt.At some point, though, after we\’ve asked the whys and raised our fists, it\’s just too tiring to keep holding onto it all. Exhausting, in fact. The bag becomes too heavy and is holding us back. We realize there are no answers because we aren\’t in the others\’ heads to see their thoughts, feel their emotions, understand their justifications. We only know our own journey, not another\’s. Holding on no longer serves our highest and greatest good. I pray that your day for releasing it all and letting it go comes soon. And I pray that Emily learns to let it go, too. Holding on serves us for awhile as we try to deal with the awfulness. Eventually, we move past it, knowing that our healthiest and highest self does not need to keep this. Much love and peace to you, my sister by the stream.

6. Sleepdeprived - Thursday November 5, 2009

Just continue to be the supportive momma you are and make certain the therapy continues. She needs to have someone who she doesn\’t feel (even subconsciously) that she has to guard her words against to talk to, and with the rejection of your Momma affecting you, too, she may withdraw a little from talking to you about it in order to protect you from perceived anguish. Our kiddos are very perceptive about what hurts us. Love and hugs.

7. Rose - Friday November 6, 2009

Just came over to let you know I\’m thinking of you and sending you supportive, loving energy and a gentle hug …

8. Donene - Friday November 13, 2009

Hey babe. Just came by checking on you. Hope all is well, D

9. Rose - Monday November 16, 2009

Hola – been thinking about you … Hope life is gentler these days.

10. Jacque - Sunday November 29, 2009

Hoping you had a nice Thanksgiving with your beautiful family. Sending prayers and hugs your way…

11. Rose - Friday December 4, 2009

Thinking of you and wishing you peace and beauty … it will come, it will come …

12. Jacque - Friday December 4, 2009

Sending the Joy of Christmas to fill your hearts with peace!

13. Jacque - Monday December 14, 2009

Maybe you can do some new holiday tradition that is completely different than years past and yet equally as special. We are having our holiday at a hotel with the kids while Dave pops out for his chemo on Christmas Eve Day. With 14 hours of travel time we should be able to take in some Christmas displays and lights. When I was a kid we traveled through the night and I was always looking for that sleigh………. I was certain I had seen Rudolph\’s nose blinking red in the sky!Hugs…

14. Jacque - Sunday December 27, 2009

Hi Lynn,Sending you and your family wishes of good health and a much better and very Happy New Year in 2010!Love and hugs,Jacque 🙂

15. Rose - Friday January 1, 2010

Wishing you peace and beauty now and always, my friend!


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