let’s say thanks Friday October 27, 2006Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
I Am… Friday June 2, 2006Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
|Found this on Escape for a sec…Rebecca’s Space and put in my own thoughts. Feel free to do the same…it makes you think.|
I Am… open
I Want… to find the time to write my book
I Have… six beautiful daughters that are everything to me
I Wish… that I could play comfortably in the sunshine again
I Hate… apathy
I Fear… the idea of one of my children in real pain or illness
I Hear… real, wild, raw joy when the kids and I laugh and play together
I Search… for quiet places in my house
I Wonder… if I’ll ever be able to be outside like everyone else…watch TV, movies, remember things…if someday there will be a procedure that will ‘fix’ me
I Regret… nothing. I am who I am, and I got this way because of the past. Changing any of the past would change who I am. Can’t do that, now can I?
I Love… the way Lala still curls up in my arms to fall asleep every chance she gets, all wrapped around me…so sweet!
I Ache… when my girls do
I Always… have at least 3 cups of coffee in the morning
I Usually… kiss Emily at least 7 times a day…that kid is affectionate!
I Am Not… a Republican!
I Dance… everywhere music is playing, if I like the song, no matter where
I Sing… badly
I Never… ummm…eat bugs
I Rarely… drink alcohol
I Cry… when I’m really angry
I Am Not Always… rational. Example…I have a stuffed animal torture chamber
I Lose… memories
I’m Confused… when more than one sound is going on at once. If someone is talking to me, I lose the train of conversation completely if the phone rings or some background noise interrupts or someone else breaks in, etc. It takes a lot of my concentration for me to follow television programs or a conversation. Damn Topamax LOL
I Need… More sleep!
I Should… Climb more trees
Scattered Thoughts Monday May 15, 2006Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
I love… Friday January 13, 2006Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
Emotional Hermaphrodite Tuesday January 10, 2006Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
Bongos and Black Berets Saturday December 31, 2005Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
Going to the Drive-In Thursday December 29, 2005Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
When I left very bad man and very bad marriage, I looked back at my man history and realized I had a problem:
I was really bad at choosing companions for myself.
I didn’t know why that was at the time, I just knew it was a very big truth. As such, it was important to me to figure out why that was so, and change it. I had these five girls after all, and I didn’t want to drag them through any more bad relationships, expose them to any more bad men or good men for that matter, only to have them disappear later on when I decided I didn’t want to end up living happily never after with them.
So I went on a man-hating journey. Dad was horrified. He constantly reminds me of it now, "Yeah, those were SOOOOME years, Lynn. All you did was talk about how much men sucked. I really liked hearing that."
I got over it. Stopped blaming men, started realizing it wasn’t them, it was me picking the bad ones. It was all those insecurities screaming at me that I wasn’t good enough for a good one, so grab that grunge and growl, girl…that’s the one you deserve!
So then I went on a celibacy sabbatical.
It was undoubtedly the most exciting, enlightening time of my life. It was the time of self-discovery, the years I got me back. The age of learning to love Lynn, to figure out what was good and interesting and loveable about her.
That’s when I went to college, and found out I was really good at math. Learned I LOVED quadratic equations, dividing the square, sine, tangent, cotangent, permutations *shiver*, statistics; I had a professor tell me I *was* a writer, I developed a love of history and a crush on my European History teacher…made a LOT of female friends…
because I wasn’t worried about making any male ones.
I went to nice restaurants by myself. I insisted on a good table, dressed nicely and was plain about it being a table for one. I brought a book that I didn’t read, instead placing it on the inevitable plate placed across from me so no one would come and try to sit themselves down with me. I refused to let anyone take my extra chair because "I wasn’t going to be using it". I ate slowly and absorbed the surroundings. I enjoyed my solitude. I thought over my day, made plans for the next one, the next month. I reveled in the glory of eating a meal in peace.
I read in the paper that a movie I wanted to see was on at the drive-in. The kids were all gone for the night for *ONCE* at Nana’s. But it was late, I was already in my jammies. So what?! I grabbed my purse, a few sodas and a bag of chips, my pillow and wallet, jumped in the car and went to see my movie.
Shoulda seen the face on the lady selling me my ticket. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was worth the price of admission. I could have turned around and gone home then, it was so amusing. But I didn’t. I saw my movie. Comfy in my car, alone.
I went to the occasional nightclub, and danced alone. I went with girlfriends and danced with them.
I’m writing this because I’ve visited occasionally a woman’s space that just saddens my heart. She doesn’t understand why she is lonely, why she can’t find love. She dates. A lot. She has sex with almost every man she dates. Most of the time the first time she goes out with him. Many of these men are already in a relationship, or she’s just met them. She’s serial dating, looking for anyone, anywhere, just to find one.
But she hasn’t found HER yet.
Until she does, she’s not going to find anyone else either.
You gotta love you, know you, understand you, like you, figure out who you are and what you want for yourself before you can even begin to start looking for someone else.
This poem taught me that, a long long time ago. It isn’t the full poem, but it’s the version I was given, on a plaque by of all people, my mom when I turned sixteen. I wish I’d paid attention to it then. It took me another sixteen years to finally absorb it. Lucky I am a pack rat, huh?
After A While
After a while you learn the difference
between holding a hand and giving your heart.
And you learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
So you plant your own garden
and nourish your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that through it all
you really can endure
that you really are strong
that you do have value
and you learn and grow
with every good bye
Overcoming the Klutz Wednesday December 28, 2005Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
Insecurity Wednesday December 28, 2005Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.
Tree Personality Monday December 19, 2005Posted by gingerbreadman in Ideas.